Good drugs!

Ok, so my neurologist put me on Ativan for vertigo. It works WONDERS. My world is mostly stable for the first time in FOREVER. I love it! Unfortunately, it also makes me sleepy. So I'll go and do and get things done, and then I need a nap. LOL

Let's hope I can stay awake while I need to this weekend. I'll have my 2yo niece, KK, while my brother, his wife, and their son all go to a gymnastics tournament of some sort. I do have to admit, watching her here is a lot easier than watching her at her home. Here, she's calmer...just curious about what I'm doing, usually. I can handle that. I'll have her for about 9 hours by myself tomorrow, though. Could be interesting! I got the stuff to make banana oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. We can have fun making them together. And thanks to the Ativan, there's a good chance we'll actually be able to do it. :)

The Spoon Theory applied

I know the Spoon Theory has been going around for years, but I hadn't actually read it before. I finally did, and it makes a ton of sense. I'm going to link to it here, and I'd really like my close friends and family to take the time to read it...then read my comments below.

The Spoon Theory

Ok, now that you've read it, this is my breakdown of how many spoons it takes me to do certain tasks...on good days, I have maybe 12 spoons. On average days, maybe 10. Bad days, sometimes as few as 6.

• Showering: 2 to 4 spoons, depending on whether I shave and wash my hair
• Dressing after a shower: 1 spoon (Dressing other times doesn't generally require a spoon)
• Combing my hair after a shower: 1 spoon
• Blow drying my hair after a shower: 1 spoon
• Shopping in a small store, like Dollar Tree: 1 spoon
• Shopping in a large store, like Walmart: 2-4 spoons
• Cooking a simple meal: 1 spoon
• Cooking a complex meal: 2-4 spoons
• Loading or unloading the dishwasher: 1 spoon
• Wiping down counter and stove: 1 spoon
• Vacuuming: 1-2 spoons
• Taking the dog out multiple times: 1 spoon
• Straightening the living room: 2 spoons
• Babysitting: 4+ spoons - especially if the dogs are hyper
• Visiting family when the kids are there: 2-3 spoons
• Visiting when the kids aren't there: 1 spoon
• Switching laundry over or taking it out from the dryer: 1 spoon
• Folding laundry: 1-2 spoons per load
• Paperwork: 1 spoon for every 15 minutes

This is why my house is a mess most days. This is why when I am invited to dinner or to visit, I sometimes have to say no. This is why I sometimes have to turn down babysitting, even though I would be doing it with help. It isn't that I don't love you, or that I don't love the kids, or that I don't WANT to spend time with you. It's just that have only so many spoons.

LONNNNNNNNG day

So Jen had surgery today. We were told to be there at 8:00 for a 10:00 surgery. Got there early...and after an hour or so, they realized we were there MUCH earlier than we needed to be. We actually needed to be there around 10:00 for an 11:20 surgery. Ooooops. Gotta love waiting to wait! And then more waiting after that, as the person in surgery before hers had complications, so they ran late. *le sigh*

The GOOD news is, she did very well in surgery. No complications. She came out of anesthesia well, and not in too much pain. By the time we made it home (5:30ish), she was mostly just "a bit uncomfortable".

So all things considered, it wasn't a bad day. Just a long one! Good night, folks...it's time for a nap!

Goings on and stuff

So the other day, we had to take my former-step-son to a doctor's appointment out of town. This included picking his mom up in yet another town....driving for a couple of hours, wandering around an antique shop or two while we waited for the appointment time and the appointment itself, then the drive home.  Oh, and we had to stop at Wallyworld once we got back into town. That's a LOT of upright-ness for me in one day. On NO sleep. Yay! Oh yeah, then we decided to rearrange the furniture in the living room that night, too.

Needless to say, yesterday, I was WIPED OUT. I slept several hours the night before, then got up for a couple of hours, and zonked out again for a six hour nap.  The only thing I accomplished, and didn't even finish THAT, was loading the dishwasher. And I made three hamburgers. Oooooh, ahhhhhh.

I'm hoping that's enough rest for me, though, for the rest of the week, as Jen is having surgery tomorrow. It's a simple procedure, but it requires us to be up at the butt crack of dawn, more upright-ness, and, of course, I doubt she'll be up to doing much tomorrow night or Friday. I had the same surgery about a year ago, and I only required one or two doses of pain killers afterwards - hopefully, it will be as easy for her. Crossing fingers.

This is just a mishmash of my last couple of days and my next couple of days. I didn't really feel like writing, but the counselor wants me to do it. Here I am. Doing my homework. LOL

Linky dinky

Recently, a new (online) friend posted a link to a webpage that can be quite valuable to people who know someone with dysautonomia. It is well worth a look.

If you know someone with dysautonomia

Please take a couple of minutes to read it.

Piece by piece

I feel as though I am losing myself, piece by piece. First, it was the ability to walk without running into things. Then it was the ability to work or drive. Then it was the ability to concentrate. Then the ability to learn was severely compromised. Then the ability to be happy without an antidepressant. Then the ability to shower without someone else in the house.

I wonder at times, when this is all said and done, how much of me will be left?

I wonder at times, when is my wife going to say enough is enough, and that I am not the person she married? This all started about 9 months in to our marriage. Yeah, in sickness and in health, and all that, but I wonder is it fair of me to keep her to that promise?

Don't get me wrong! She has said and done nothing at all to indicate that she's fed up. Quite the contrary - she is by my side at every appointment she is able to attend. She's taken up the roles of sole breadwinner, taxi driver, and nurse without complaint. She reminds me that I AM still in here, that it's just abilities I've lost, but my personality is intact. And that she is madly in love with me and will never, ever leave.

But how fair is it of me to expect that to continue? I can't be the wife I once was. I feel like I contribute so little. This isn't a 50-50 relationship anymore, and it may very well get even worse in the future.