Sometimes, it seems the physical wonkiness makes me emotionally less stable. I mean, sure, there are days when my vitals are fairly stable and I'm bummed anyway, because this whole situation sucks. But when my blood pressure and heart rate are fluctuating wildly, it's as if my body is forcing a break down. It's difficult not to feel anxious and upset when my heart rate is 140...my brain says, "Oh! I know that feeling! That happens when I'm scared! Or really anxious! Or really freaked out about something!" and then my mood responds in kind. It seems today I'm just a few seconds away from tears at any given time. I haven't broken down yet. But it's coming...and soon.
I try not to break down too often. Not because I think crying is bad. But because I'm afraid that if I start crying with any regularity, I might not stop. I'm not a fool - I know that it's important not to bottle up your feelings. I know it's ok to cry. I know it's a necessity to release stress hormones. But I also know that since I have dealt with depression for decades, I could easily dive into a pool of self pity and not climb back out for days, weeks, months, or even years. I can't let myself do that again.
No matter how many times I get angry and frustrated at things I cannot do, I have never said, "Why me?" or "This isn't fair!" That would imply that I was singled out for this crap. I wasn't singled out for it. It just IS. There's not a whole lot I can do about it, so there's no point in thinking like that. I DO think that this isn't the way things are supposed to be at my age. I shouldn't have to be wearing TED hose and using a shower chair before I'm even 40. I do wish I could do the things I used to be able to do. I do wish I could live the way I used to live. But, well, I can't, for now. Maybe after I get a diagnosis, they'll be able to find a drug or drug combination that will help me get back to my "normal" life. Maybe not. Regardless, I have to learn to accept my limitations for today.
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